“I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”
I couldn’t believe I was hearing her say these words.
The past weeks behaviour all began to make sense to me now. Her lack of contact, avoiding my calls, no time to hang out, and short blunt answers when we did talk.
I felt my face heat up as confusion swirled around in my head. What had I done wrong?
Why was she saying this to me in such a public forum? She didn’t even play baseball, she had no business being here if she didn’t want to be my friend.
I was so hot.
I looked at her, trying to search her face for a sign of the friend I knew. The friend I trusted and loved.
She avoided my eyes and leaned into her car taking a drag off of her cigarette.
“Why?” I barely squeaked the words out, my voice cracking and tears beginning to well.
“You know why.” She said, flicking her cigarette into the dirt and beginning to walk away.
But I didn’t know why.
She was my best friend. We were best friends.
When people spoke about us they used our name in unison because we were a team.
We faced every obstacle and triumph together.
Dating.
Breakups.
Rumours.
Fights with parents.
New jobs.
Celebrations.
I had opened my home to her when she needed a place to stay, helped her find a job, and my parents had paid to fix her car.
We supported and encouraged each other.
I was her biggest fan.
And now my friend was turning her back on me with no explanation.
Anger boiled inside of me and I was filled with hurt.
“After everything I’ve done for you, everything my parents have done for you! You just don’t want to be my friend anymore?”
My hands were shaking and forming into fists, my fingernails slicing into my palms.
I walked closer to her, begging her with my eyes to reconsider. To take back what she had said.
“I don’t want to talk to you.” She barked, looking away.
My heart broke.
I gathered my glove and water bottle and walked quickly to my car, the realization that this had just occurred in front of my whole team bringing me to tears.
My car provided a quiet bubble where I could gather my thoughts.
I don’t want to be your friend anymore.
Her words replaying over and over in my mind.
————————————————————————————————————————
Close to 6 years later and I still hear her words.
Even though we’ve attempted to mend the friendship that day weighs heavily on my heart.
And the question of why remains unanswered.
Leighann
Painful. So painful – the lack of explanation leaves the mind open to self doubt and anxiety. And even when you try to come back from that, there might be no coming back from that.
Powerfully written.
I definitely treat my friendships differently now.
Thank you for your compliment.
I’ve felt similar hurt in friend situations and the way you described it here brought it all back to me. I’m so sorry. For both of us.
Sometimes friends can really suck.
There should be a handbook.
You conveyed your heartbreak with such emotion here. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friendship as you knew it. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you!
I’m glad you stopped by, it lead me to your blog.
Fab.
I was so hot.
So simple and yet so very descriptive of a hard moment- the confusion and uncertainty.
And my anger.
My boiling anger.
Thank you Jack, I’m glad you came by.
People always do this kind of thing in public and I suppose it’s because they feel safety that the person they are going to hurt isn’t going to lose it totally in front of other people. This piece made me cringe, and left the taste of unresolved emotions which are so much harder to bear than resolved ones.
I loved this line because it so well captures the best friendness that some people get to experience, “When people spoke about us they used our name in unison because we were a team.”
On a personal note, I’m sorry she turned out to be so mean and selfish.
oh how right you are when you say that unresolved emotions are so much harder to bear.
I am the kind of person who resolves things.
I don’t like loose ends.
This has been a forever loose end.
Oh no… I take it this post isn’t fictional! I so wish it was. I wanted to poke you to resolve the question for your readers, to tell us what it was that happened to cause the rift.
What is frustrating for the reader must be a thousandfold more difficult for the one who experienced it.
Thank you for sharing!
Oh how you’ve pushed me into my own thoughts with this comment.
I too wish it was fictional.
I would love to give you the cause for the rift.
The experience was heart breaking.
I felt like I was drowning.
But I survived.
I have had this EXACT same experience, less a few details. However I know how it feels to have your best friend just shut you out. Its horrible. In the end though I guess they were just a season or reason instead of a life time! Its hard to forget about it though
I so know that you had this experience.
My heart hurt for you.
You, my friend, I will never shut out.
Never.
This is beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing it. It’s so wonderful. It’s touching and I so know. I didn’t have it happen the same exact way, but friendships come and go and have drifted away and sometimes, despite mending, they still have that WHY feeling there. Stinks, doesn’t it? Well done.
Thank you Andrea.
Friendships are hard sometimes.
They come and go but when you have a special one it can really sting when its over.
I think lots of us can relate to this post, from some point in our lives. This happened to me, and also with a best friend, years ago. We have since reconnected, and she has tried to explain her distance, but things are not the same anymore. I still love her, but I was hurt.
Nicely written !!
Thank you.
That’s wonderful that you were able to reconnect with your friend.
I can understand that things wouldn’t be the same anymore, it would always be there in the background.
Whew…this is powerful. I have a friend right now and I can feel that our relationship is falling apart at the seams. When I needed her most through this PPD ordeal, she turned her back on me. I am very hurt by it.
I found that when I was going through the worst of my PPD.
Many friends couldn’t handle the truth when I told them.
The ones that stuck around I consider my real friends.
They are the ones who call often, text, and email to make sure I’m ok.
Those other ones aren’t worth my time because they weren’t there when I really needed a friend.
It still doesn’t take the hurt away though does it?
Wow….you never found out why it was she did not want to be your friend?
At first I did not know if that was fiction or not, well done.
Very much non fiction.
And I did not find out why she didn’t want to be friends any longer.
Friends did not find out either.
A very sad situation.
I would be hot too, especially if she didn’t say why or tell you what was wrong. I’ve lost a few very close friends and didn’t know why. Very sad and frustrating.
It is frustrating isn’t it?
And childish on their part.
I will never forget the feelings of that day.
That’s such awful heartbreak. And to not have an answer as to why makes it all that much worse. Friends can be some of the most painful relationships in life. You really drew me in and I felt I was experiencing it with you. Well done.
Thank you.
I think some of life’s most painful experiences are the most relatable.
Friends can really let us down sometimes.
They can also really lift us up.
Thank God for the ones that lift us up.
I hate when people do friends like this. Why? I know you are still struggling with this.
I really liked the part at the end, when you described your car. I could picture it as a sanctuary and how badly you needed it.
I’m impressed you can try to mend fences with her.
I did try, yes.
It was too hard.
Now we don’t speak or even try to be friends.
We are pleasant when we see each other and we know that the friendship is missed but its too hard to go back.
Oh my gosh. That is horrible! How could she never tell you? You really have no idea? That must be so painful to have it so open-ended with no closure. Your re-telling of the story was really well done. I felt your confusion, her coldness and your sadness in the end. I am reeling now— mad at her too!!!
Oh my gosh!!! That’s terrible! I don’t know how I’d feel but I’m sure it would be devastating. “My heart broke” – I can imagine!
Unfortunately I don’t think she fully understands.
this is why I blog.
Because people here DO.
The way you describe your experience physically—hot cheeks, nails cutting into the palms of your clinched fists—really conveys the depth of the experience. Painful to read because it is so real.
You are correct.
Painful.
Emotionally and physically.
Still.
The worst ends to friendship are always those ones with no explanation. I’m sorry you lost your best friend
Thank you.
Some friends are meant to come into our lives for a short time.
They serve their purpose.
But they are always missed.
This leaves me wondering why, also. Not even so much on an emotional level, but I think your writing had me so engaged that, as a casual spectator, I really want to know. Why? That might have actually been an interesting perspective, the one of your softball teammates.
She says “You know why”, which to me says there IS a reason…. and I want to believe that most people have a logical reason for behaving like such jerks. Great piece!
I am flattered that my writing had you “so engaged.”
Maybe as a fictional piece I will write as a spectator.
Wow! This sounds painful and I cannot believe that you still do not know why she did this to you. How can a friendship move on without that part being explained? Sorry you endured this.
So true.
Friendship can not move on without the fall out being explained.
It can’t.
I could almost feel your pain while I was reading this. It must have been so terrible. And worse, you didn’t know why! It’s bad enough to be rejected, but to not know the reason behind the rejection makes it doubly painful.
It did make it very painful to not know why, even after all these years.
Very bad feelings when a friendship is ending like this. I hope for you this was a piece of fiction, but I think it was not, by the way you expressed your feelings. Not fair to end a friendship by just telling the other person but not really saying everything, not telling the most important thing, the reason why.
I have a total c**t of a former friend who lost a ton of weight and then decided to “break up with me”. I’m not kidding. She put a box together containing anything that was mine plus a majority of the gifts I had given her over our 10 year friendship and dropped it at my house after just avoiding my calls for a month.
I see her sometimes and every time I still want to punch that bitch in the face.
There is some satisfaction in the fact that she put all the weight back on and then some though…
Very intense! Excellent – leaves us wanting to hear the rest of the story!!!
I too can relate to this one, though I am the one who stopped the friendship and have continued to keep it gone. I think of her often, but she’s burned me twice now, and I just don’t want to deal with it again. She’s apologized, but I just don’t want to be subjected to it again.
I have been on the flip side of this coin too. No matter what, it always hurts. :hugs: