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Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

For today’s throat punch I need a second to ask the recipient to go and get a babysitter.

I can’t chop her gullet in front of her child.

OH wait, I AM the babysitter…. Right. That’s why she’s getting the slap to the larynx.

Because she’s a complete stranger, a woman I have never met in my entire life, and she left her baby with me.  With us.

Without asking.

No I’m not kidding.

I don’t kid on Throat Punch Thursdays.

Her daughter was adorable and my child loves babies, so we went over to say hi, to make baby friends, and then to leave.

But we couldn’t leave.

Her mother was no where to be found.

I looked around, searching high a low for her boney little body, which could be hiding anywhere; in the garbage can, the fake ferns, I even checked in my purse.

Brian spotted her.

At the cell phone kiosk.

Bitch please.

If I wanted a second baby badly enough right now your precious, chubby faced, beautiful little girl would have been mine!

She would have been safe with me and I would NEVER have left her with a stranger while I looked at cases for my iphone.

BUT.

You are lucky that it was us who you left her with while your brain leapt from your head and you put shopping in front of your child’s safety.

Because I would never steal your baby.

This Throat Punch comes with a lesson in parenting you sad woman.

There are many people who would steal your baby, they are waiting for an opportunity just like this one and would have disappeared in an instant with your tiny girl.

Your child should be the most important person in your life, you never leave her with a stranger. If you need a break then call a friend, her grandparent, or a real babysitter you trust!

Your throat punch comes in the form of disappointment. From one mother to another.

That should sting more.

I am very disappointed.

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Say What? VOTE!!

On Monday I promised you great things!

I wrote about the things I regularly say to my daughter. Things I never thought would come out of my mouth.

And because I like to be joined in my motherhood insanity I asked you what you regularly say to your children that makes you stop and say, “hey, wait! Do other mothers tell their child to stop wiping snot on the cat, or is it just me?”

Well sister! It’s not just you!

As promised we’re voting today, hurray! In the comment section let me know who you think said the funniest line and they will WIN! Not only will they get their blog button up on MY blog for two weeks but they will win a pretty awesome Estro-Tote from the One and Only Lady Estrogen of Adventures in Estrogen!

This tote is 100% cotton, has tones of room, is machine washable and demands attention!

Umm, hello awesome!

And guess what? You can be from Canada or the States OR ANYWHERE!!!...mmmmkkk! Canadians rock like that!

Now go! Vote!

Yasmin @ alittlelessfluff
“Take that blanket out of your mouth! it is not a chew toy”
“Take the paper out of your mouth! Find something else!”
“Please don’t chew your dummy!”
“Stop undressing yourself, its cold”
“Will you just keep your socks and shoes on for one second!”
“Stop asking for food, you ate like half an hour ago and you just had a snack! How much more can you eat?”
“No, mommy doesn’t want to make a rocket, house, gun etc. again. 10 times is enough!”
“Don’t you tell me no!”

karynclimans
“I’m not a maid service.”
“I’m not running a restaurant.”
“I just went grocery shopping so I don’t believe you when you say there’s nothing to eat.”

Ali
“Oh my gosh. I know. Last week I said “Justin put your penis away and eat your pizza.”

Kimberly
“How many of those columbine seeds did you eat?” (poisonous)

Amy
“You only touch your vagina in the bathroom or your room, please.”

mamamash
“Do not drag the dog around by his penis.”

FranceRants
“How does it feel to want?” (older kids)

Alison@Mama Wants This
“Drop the potty, young man!”
“Stop turning the A/C on and off please.”
” Don’t open that drawer!”
” Watch your head/ fingers/ toes!”
“Stop pulling on the toilet paper.”
“Don’t put the toilet paper in the toilet!”
” Don’t try to flush that toilet, it’d get blocked!”
“What’s that in your mouth?”
“Why are you pouring water on your books?”
“Why are you stuffing my money into your father’s boots?”
“Don’t walk on the sofa!”
“Get off the table now.”
“Stop playing with Mama’s food.”
“Don’t pull on your penis, you need it.”

Runnermom-jen
7 year old said, while in the shower, “I’m a little pissed off right now”.

Jayne
“Thank you for using my hair as a pulley system”
“Get your hand out of my bra, my iTouch is not in there”
“I appreciate you rinsing my toothbrush, just not in the toilet”

Lady Estrogen
“Fingers out of your nose”
“Fingers out of your brother’s nose”

Leigh Ann

“Please stop slapping your vagina.”

Kristy

“Put your pants on! Your gonna get a cold in your bum!”

“That’s it! I’m calling Santa!”

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It’s Thursday people and that can only mean one thing! Ok, yes, two things. We’re closer to Friday AND I’ve got a serious Throat Punch to dole out.

This one?

It’s also coupled with a round house, triple sow cow, double axel face jab.

No, I’m not kidding.

Some people have no social skills, this is why I rarely engage in small talk, it saves me from the uncomfortable lags in conversation, the inappropriate questions or comments, and the lack of intelligence that 80% of the population seem to have.

But, occasionally, if forced by my job, or because someone’s conversations skills mesh well with mine, I throw my rules to the wind and chat away. When it’s with my job I remain reserved and keep emotion out of it, however, when I think I may have found a new friend (sigh) I use my judgement and bring out the funny according to their humour scale. I let them into my circle of hilarity.

And then sometimes my judgement fails. Sometimes there are wolves in sheep’s clothing that are pretending to be entertaining but are actually socially inept, unintelligent imposters who snuck in to the hilarity circle!

I’m ashamed to say I recently let my guard down and a wolf got in.

To the wolf, you are stealthy; however, you are also strange and awkward. When I told you I loved you because it was closer to 4:00pm than I realized I didn’t really mean I loved you, it’s a figure of speech. You were wearing the watch, I loved that you told me this wonderful news. I find it odd that you took me literally and then explained to me that I shouldn’t love you. You are weird and this is part of what began to give you away.

Next time someone attempts to read the jacket of the novel you are reading, a common interest among humans, you should not grab the book and tell them it is your personal property and that they should ask before touching it. This is strange behaviour and no way to make friends.

When someone compliments you on the shirt you are wearing and asks you where you bought it, normal people are appreciative. The wrong answer is to tell them to respect your personal space. This will keep people from coming anywhere near you. Kind of like how I’m never going to come near you again.

For your behaviour, awkward responses, and sneaky wolf moves I am giving you a massive Throat Punch.

This may not do anything, you will probably continue your strange interactions and learn nothing, but it sure made me feel better.

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Since having a baby I’ve been privy to some of the most horrendous birth stories there are. We mothers do that to one another, we terrorize each other with stories of endless labour, epidurals gone wrong, episiotomies that wouldn’t heal, and doctors with no bedside manner.

We try to out do our friends with tales of popped blood vessels in our eyes, loss of bowel control, pulling arms off in the delivery room, and squeezing out 20lb babies.

Women see a pregnant woman and the gloves come off.

So when it was my turn I was prepared for the worst.

I was ready for my head to swell with each contraction, for the pits of hell to open up and the devil himself to appear and offer me a pain-free delivery in exchange for my soul.

None of this happened.

*I’d like to give a shout out to the drugs!

The first time I gave birth (and the only time so far) I relished in the vacation that was the hospital stay!

My delivery was uneventful, I mean, there was a baby and she was/is perfect in every way. We created a miracle so that was pretty awesome! But other than the miracle part – uneventful.

But after…sigh.

I laid in a bed, a bed that was all mine, and cuddled with my new baby. She only asked that I feed her, cuddle her, and stare at her.

Nurses came in and changed her, bathed her, and cooed at her. They let me sleep and woke me up when it was time to feed her each time.

My meals were brought to me, the TV was set on the station I wanted, and I had someone to help me go to the bathroom and shower me.

It was heaven.

Heaven at the hospital.

I miss it and I think about it, probably more often than I should.

If only they sold time shares.

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Say What?

My daughter is 14 months now and developing into a person, someone with a unique personality, quirks, a sense of humour, and a tiny itty bitty attitude.

I have no idea where she gets that from.

Recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been saying things to her that I never thought I would hear myself say.

Things that only others parents can relate to.

Sigh.

———————-

“Stop waving the spatula at the cat! That’s not how you make friends!”

“Just let me pick your nose and then you can watch Mickey Mouse.”

“Please stop mashing banana into your hair.”

“The chair is not to be chewed on, nor is the deck, go find something else to put in your mouth.”

“Really? Are you that hungry? Do we starve you? Please stop eating the deck.”

“You don’t have to scream and pull on your hair like a lunatic, I will take you pig tails out, even though they look super cute and without them you look like you’ve been through a windstorm.”

“Please don’t lick the garbage can.”

“Any and all cat food that is in your mouth should be put into mommy’s hands immediately!”

“No thank you, I’m stuffed and half chewed hot dog isn’t really that appealing.”

“Hands out of your poop!!”

“Mommy’s going to have a bath alone tonight because you pee in the water.”

“Hey! Face OUT of the Cat dish!”

“No, we don’t eat ants, dirt, or rocks!”

“Whatever, eat the dandelion, yaaaahhh, mmmmm.”

“I’ve asked you twice today to stay out of that cat food! Show me how many pieces you have in your mouth!”

—————————-

I know you’ve all said these or a variation of these things to your children!

What ones were your best or most shocking?

Let us know and we’ll vote on Friday!! Winner to be announced Monday June 27!!

What do you win?? Well there’s a postal strike in Canada right now so you don’t win any goodies through the mail, BUT you do win your blog button on my site for a whole 2 weeks!! ACK!

ADDITION: The winner will also receive a very useful and totally hot giveaway! Don’t miss out!!

THATS AWESOME!

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Pet Peeves?

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Another Tuesday.

Another Vlog.

Today I’m talking about Pet Peeves.

Sigh.

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Today I’m linking up with one of the funniest bloggers I know, Kim from Mom go Something Something.

She’s also one of the bravest!

I heart her.

I’m also providing you with a guest post!

Two for one! Crazy right!

Enjoy.

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I know you’ve all heard of me. Leighann has talked about me on the twitter, she’s mentioned me casually in conversations, but she doesn’t really give credit where credit is due.

I was a huge part of her life.

We were together every day for a minimum of an hour. A minimum.

Singing together, enjoying coffee, and eating delicious treats eagerly before we reached our destination so we wouldn’t have to share.

Creating memories.

Road trips on a whim, shopping endlessly on weekends, and making the transition from a childless woman to a mother.

People change.

Priorities change.

I wasn’t her priority anymore.

My once shiny paint began to chip and rust and the car wash visits became further and further apart.

Trips to the mechanic for an oil change became scattered, unscheduled and then not at all.

I begged her to take me.

I coughed, sputtered, stalled.

Her mind was elsewhere.

I wanted her attention badly, I missed her and the time we spent together, her hands gliding over the wheel, the sound of her voice filling the car with the song that played on the radio, my engine purring along.

So I dropped my muffler.

I needed her to care.

She fixed me.

Because she did care.

But it wasn’t the same. Her touch wasn’t the same, her voice was irritated, and my once clean floor was now littered with toys, cups, and sticky liquids that I couldn’t identify.

I was growing tired of trying.

She was tired of fixing me.

Of fixing us.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I ended it.

There you have it.

A guest post by my car.

I’m still waiting to find out from the insurance company if they are fixing it or just writing it off.

It’s a 2004 with 300,000 km on it.

It was a sad car.

But.

I loved it.

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