Posts Tagged ‘pain’


The destination I aim for everyday after work.

My family inside awaiting my arrival, planning dinner, their voices echoing off of the kitchen walls, and baby squeals travelling to meet me at the door.

A sweet welcome.

Until I see the mark.

The dental records from another chid left in my baby’s arm.

I hear Brian ask me to be calm so he can relay the information.

The world turns from shades of red to black, I picture myself growing claws out of my finger tips and sharp fang like teeth capable of ripping into any opponent.

A low growl is forming in my throat and threatening to escape as my body fights the urge to crouch into a pouncing position.


Is all I can mutter. The room is dark, a spotlight shines on the red teeth marks that appear to be pulsing on my daughters arm.

“They don’t know, she didn’t cry or make a fuss, they noticed it late in the day.”

I feel a sharp pain in my gut, someone is stabbing me, but when I look down there is no blood. My head is pounding.

I pace back and forth like a caged animal attempting to keep my composure but the red marks scream at me.

You weren’t there to protect me!

Rushing to my daughter I ask her what happened, who hurt her?

She touches my face.

My growl turns into tears.

She smiles at me and reaches for my hair.

My sharp teeth meant to cut into my prey retract.

She laughs and says “mama?”

My claws fall away and I touch her angry marks

I wasn’t there to protect her.

But she was ok.

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Pink Clouds of Morphine

This weekend I spent some time in the hospital.

My stomach was angry.

Apparently my bladder was too. I was diagnosed with a pretty bad UTI.


During my visit I was inspired!



Funny pain killer.

Liquid rescuer.

Your promise to take the stabs and discomfort away are misleading.

Turning screams from the fetal position into giggles and slurred words.

The pain is still present, just forgotten.  Lost behind your pink candy floss cloud of joy and double vision.

Unable to function normally on your sweet nectar but in too much agony without you, your recipients return for more.

I write this as you pump through my veins. Your clear fluid dances down the IV tube and into my hand, making me dizzy.

I know there’s still pain.

But the unicorn in the corner of the room is stealing my attention.


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So I’ve been having back pain for the past 3 weeks. I fell down the stairs with my baby on my hip and twisted to save my child. My heroic efforts were met with crippling pain. Thanks universe!
Thursday the pain was so intense I couldn’t get out of bed.
But I’m a survivor!
And I had to pee.
My aching body did not agree with this.
After passing out several times from the paralyzing pain I was rushed to the hospital.

Canadian Health Care System I want to thank you for the quality care:

1. Thank you 911 for not working the first 5 times my family called for an ambulance. This reassures me an emergency vehicle will be at my disposal should I need one.

2. For the paramedic who dropped his gum in my hair as I passed out in the chair, thank you for making a joke out of it. I didn’t see the humour in it that you did, however, I was in excruciating amounts of pain, wasn’t I?

3. To the admitting nurse who grabbed hold of the gurney I was laying limp on, shoving me against a wall in the emergency room hallway, leaving me there for hours without care. Thank you. I could not roll over from the pain, went in and out of consciousness, and was not spoken to or checked on.

4. You young X-Ray technicians who could not lift 30lbs let alone ME, I respect that you have a job to do but when a patient tells you they are going to pass out it might be advisable to listen. It’s much easier to move me when I’m still awake.

5.  Dear sweet nurse who stripped me naked in the Ressus room while I was unconscious, I am thankful for your speedy care, however, if you are going to insert catheters, IV’s, and other wires could you please put me in a room and not back in the hallway?

6.  To the angry nurse qualified to run the ECG, you are skilled in knowing where to place your sticky squares and attach your wires. Next time please take into consideration my not being in a room or having anything on under my gown as you expose me to the hallway full of patients and visitors.

7.  Dr. Girlfriend? I understand you’re tired. You work crazy hours, IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM, but when you can’t hide your eye rolls anymore it’s time to sneak into a broom closet and take a nap.

8. Overworked nursing staff, you are underpaid, you are not appreciated. You are not given enough time to finish paperwork. I empathize. But I will never understand putting paperwork before a patient. Seeing an elderly woman lose her dignity in a hall way because there was no time to take her to the bathroom was heartbreaking and haunts me still.

Canadian Health Care system, we are lucky to be able to have health care, however, the quality is disturbing.

I have been extremely sick this weekend and at no point during my two hospital visits did I feel I was treated like a human being.

How loudly do we have to scream before we exact change?


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I thought it would just fit.
New love.
I didn’t know that sometimes it doesn’t just fit.
Sometimes people find their perfect mate, they fall head over heals in love, everything around them is a blur, its just the two of them, they profess their love for one another over and over.
But Sometimes the fit is wrong.
Not this love!
Your love is so strong it can withstand anything.
Almost anything.
The anger comes quick and unexpected.
It leaves blisters.
The blisters only hurt sometimes.
You put band aids over the bleeding sores and keep moving.
Love feels good. That’s what everyone says.
You don’t want to give up. This love will last.
Flowers are given, sincere apologies, hugs and sweet nothings whispered in ears.
The Blisters heal.
But the scars are still there.
Memories of what happened appear and the fear that it might happen again lingers. You questioning every move, every step, for fear the blisters will come back, the pain.
Holding in tears, laughter, joy and all emotion doesn’t help.
The anger comes back.
And so do the blisters.
The fit is wrong.
Its been too long and its hard to escape, to find your way out, to ask for help.
The embarrassment is overwhelming but the fear is worse.
The blisters are bleeding
They don’t heal this time.
Time to get out, to get help, and to be safe
The blisters will stop bleeding
But there will always be scars.

This post is not representative of my relationship now.
If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship please seek help.
There are resources available to you so that you are safe.


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