The Weather Around Me

I haven’t been writing my usual deep posts as of late.

I’ve been relying on lists, humour, my blog awards.

I’m a PPD/A survivor.

Surviving.

This week my PPD called out to me. I had almost forgotten where I put it.

Amongst the rainy overcast days, lack of sleep, and sickness overwhelming the house it saw the chance to creep back into my life.

It began with whispers, so soft it felt like wisps of hair along my cheek, reminding me that I am tired and weak.

The whispers became louder like a strong wind telling me to give up, to go back to bed.

The winds turned to strong rain and hail demanding I surrender and scream out with defeat.

I almost did.

Almost.

Last night found me curled up with the blistering winds swirling around me.

Tears stinging my eyes.

The battle between being strong and asking for help waging a war inside of me.

But then.

I was rescued.

The man I love knows me.

He knows when the weather around me becomes dangerous.

He knows when I need him.

I was saved.

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Today is Monday…

Today is Monday.

In 8 days I go back to work.

This thought made me feel the heavy load of my PPD against my back.

Guilt.

In 8 days my baby goes off to daycare on her birthday.

More weight as the bricks got heavier.

I was frozen in fear with the suggestion of a stranger looking after my baby.

Will they see her walk before me?  What if she says  “mama” for the first time to someone else?

My knees buckled from the crushing load that pressed against me.

Today is Monday.

And I’m okay.

I can not freeze time.

PPD can not either.

As if to reassure me, last week my daughter began a developmental growth spurt.

A series of little advancements

One day she clapped her hands.

Stood on her own.

Said Mama!

The pieces of PPD began to fall away.

She began signing back “finished” and “more.”

And suddenly started looking like a big girl.

My back felt lighter, my shoulders more relaxed, PPD wasn’t as much of a threat.

Today is Monday.

8 more days and I’m still a mom and she’s still my baby.

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Who I am Today…

Today I’m full of appreciation.
Grateful, positive, laughing.
Everywhere I look I see possibilities.

Tomorrow I might feel the same way.
I might feel even better!

But I might not.

Tomorrow I might feel inadequate, worthless, broken.
Unable to fulfill my vision of what a mother should be.
Weak from pretending.

I will be reminded that PPD is always looming.

Creeping around corners, behind doors, in shadows.
Weighing me down with self doubt.
Challenging me to find a reason to stand up.

And there is one.
I will reach through the thick wall of sadness and hold onto it.
She’s beautiful.

I didn’t know I could love someone so much.
I will keep fighting.
To keep surviving.

Leighann

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