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Posts Tagged ‘PPD/A’

The Fever

This meme came at the perfect time!

19 Weeks

Why?

Because I have the fever!

The baby fever!

Oh Lawd.

After I had my daughter I was certain I wasn’t having anymore babies and I couldn’t figure out how the parents of more than one got to the place where they wanted more.

The weight of being a new mother, breastfeeding, sleepless nights, and attempting to wrap my head around the incredible responsibility in front of me had me swearing off all future children.

And then I found out I was drowning from Post Pardum Depression.

So I fought.

Hard.

And I won.

I found out what it’s like to be a mother without PPD dragging me down.

29 Weeks

Light, relaxing, and enjoyable.

There’s a future.

And I want to do it again.

Leighann

Note: I am not pregnant nor am I trying to get pregnant at this time.

I have a wedding to plan people!!

But I will hold your baby, rock your baby, smell your baby, buy your baby

clothes, and look at pictures of your baby.

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The Weather Around Me

I haven’t been writing my usual deep posts as of late.

I’ve been relying on lists, humour, my blog awards.

I’m a PPD/A survivor.

Surviving.

This week my PPD called out to me. I had almost forgotten where I put it.

Amongst the rainy overcast days, lack of sleep, and sickness overwhelming the house it saw the chance to creep back into my life.

It began with whispers, so soft it felt like wisps of hair along my cheek, reminding me that I am tired and weak.

The whispers became louder like a strong wind telling me to give up, to go back to bed.

The winds turned to strong rain and hail demanding I surrender and scream out with defeat.

I almost did.

Almost.

Last night found me curled up with the blistering winds swirling around me.

Tears stinging my eyes.

The battle between being strong and asking for help waging a war inside of me.

But then.

I was rescued.

The man I love knows me.

He knows when the weather around me becomes dangerous.

He knows when I need him.

I was saved.

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The Mom Pledge

Google Image

Blogging was something I had thought about for a long time but because I wasn’t part of the community I had not idea the impact it would have on me until I began. Learning about the technical aspect and all of the pieces that go into a blog almost scared me off, but I persevered. I needed to write.

I was battling a war with PPD/A and needed an outlet, a place to express myself. Feelings of vulnerability hit me like a wave as I hit publish and I had no idea what to expect from cyberspace. I was afraid of being judged, criticized, and laughed at. But, as I wrote I was linked with more PPD survivors and more moms.

I met The Empress.

I was filled with gratitude.

Finding this community was keeping me above water.

And then?

A comment so cruel that I had to read it twice. I stared at it in disbelief. Where had it come from? Why would another mom, another woman write such hate?

I had a choice, I could acknowledge the comment or ignore and re-read all of the positive comments received that day.

I deleted.

Negativity is not welcome.

Bullying is not welcome.

This is why I took the Mom Pledge.

We are all mom’s here doing the same job,  here to support one another.

Here surviving.

Leighann

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Wordless Wednesday

02/23/2011

 

Picture
6 more weeks left until my days are no longer filled with giggles, warm cheeks, and new adventures.
6 more weeks until my days change to alarm clocks, drop offs, and pick ups.
6 more weeks left.

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Frozen

02/06/2011

Picture My baby turns 10 months old in one week.

I’m not excited.

I look at the calendar everyday and count down how many days until she’s a year old.

I’m anxious.

Each time her monthly birthday approaches I feel sick, and searching for a magic wand to freeze time has proved unrealistic. It gets worse the closer she gets to her birthday.

While pouring my heart out into my journal last night, weeping about the time that has flown by, the things I will miss, the tiny baby she once was, and begging, once again, for a wand, or a time machine, or a watch that would keep my baby in a moment that I loved I tried to focus on the one I would choose and I couldn’t pick one. I loved them all.

Seeing her face for the very first time and realizing she was mine.

Listening to her snort as she slept.

The first time she rolled over…. and over.. and over… and under the couch.

Watching her figure out how to scoot and get up on her knees.

Her first coo and laugh – it brightened my whole world.

When she sat up for the first time, right out of the blue.

Crawling for the first time and then standing the next day.

Her first attempt and talking – “bu bu bu”

Her warm cheek on mine when we cuddle.

Everyday she discovers something new and I discover it with her. Through her eyes the world is brand new, harmless, and beautiful. She cries for the simplest reasons; hungry, tired, or wet. She doesn’t know disappointment, betrayal, homelessness, abuse, depression, war, anxiety, or any of the other horrors plaguing mankind. She knows her parents and she trusts us.

I want to freeze this.

I discovered it isn’t the moments I want to freeze but her innocence. I don’t want her to experience any of the sadness her world has to offer.

But she eventually will.

I can’t freeze time.

I can assist in building the self esteem and independence of a baby girl I L-O-V-E.

I will continue to experience the world through her eyes, its nicer that way, and every so often go back in my mind and remember the moments I loved that are “frozen” in my mind.

Leighann

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Postpardum

01/22/2011

Its hard to be funny
To be social
To smile
When the walls are closing in on you
And you feel like you’re falling down a bottomless pit

Its getting better
Slowly
But it got worse first

Some days are better than others
Some nights are longer
Sleepless

Its getting better
Slowly
But it got worse first

Being a healthy mom is the most important
But thoughts of being a bad mom swim inside my head
The anxiety builds

Its getting better
Slowly
But it got worse first

One day I’ll climb out of the pit
And be myself again
Everyday

Its getting better
Slowly
But it got worse first

Leighann

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