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Posts Tagged ‘time’

Frozen

02/06/2011

Picture My baby turns 10 months old in one week.

I’m not excited.

I look at the calendar everyday and count down how many days until she’s a year old.

I’m anxious.

Each time her monthly birthday approaches I feel sick, and searching for a magic wand to freeze time has proved unrealistic. It gets worse the closer she gets to her birthday.

While pouring my heart out into my journal last night, weeping about the time that has flown by, the things I will miss, the tiny baby she once was, and begging, once again, for a wand, or a time machine, or a watch that would keep my baby in a moment that I loved I tried to focus on the one I would choose and I couldn’t pick one. I loved them all.

Seeing her face for the very first time and realizing she was mine.

Listening to her snort as she slept.

The first time she rolled over…. and over.. and over… and under the couch.

Watching her figure out how to scoot and get up on her knees.

Her first coo and laugh – it brightened my whole world.

When she sat up for the first time, right out of the blue.

Crawling for the first time and then standing the next day.

Her first attempt and talking – “bu bu bu”

Her warm cheek on mine when we cuddle.

Everyday she discovers something new and I discover it with her. Through her eyes the world is brand new, harmless, and beautiful. She cries for the simplest reasons; hungry, tired, or wet. She doesn’t know disappointment, betrayal, homelessness, abuse, depression, war, anxiety, or any of the other horrors plaguing mankind. She knows her parents and she trusts us.

I want to freeze this.

I discovered it isn’t the moments I want to freeze but her innocence. I don’t want her to experience any of the sadness her world has to offer.

But she eventually will.

I can’t freeze time.

I can assist in building the self esteem and independence of a baby girl I L-O-V-E.

I will continue to experience the world through her eyes, its nicer that way, and every so often go back in my mind and remember the moments I loved that are “frozen” in my mind.

Leighann

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