Posts Tagged ‘memory’


“I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

I couldn’t believe I was hearing her say these words.

The past weeks behaviour all began to make sense to me now. Her lack of contact, avoiding my calls, no time to hang out, and short blunt answers when we did talk.

I felt my face heat up as confusion swirled around in my head. What had I done wrong?

Why was she saying this to me in such a public forum? She didn’t even play baseball, she had no business being here if she didn’t want to be my friend.

I was so hot.

I looked at her, trying to search her face for a sign of the friend I knew. The friend I trusted and loved.

She avoided my eyes and leaned into her car taking a drag off of her cigarette.

“Why?” I barely squeaked the words out, my voice cracking and tears beginning to well.

“You know why.” She said, flicking her cigarette into the dirt and beginning to walk away.

But I didn’t know why.

She was my best friend. We were best friends.

When people spoke about us they used our name in unison because we were a team.

We faced every obstacle and triumph together.




Fights with parents.

New jobs.


I had opened my home to her when she needed a place to stay, helped her find a job, and my parents had paid to fix her car.

We supported and encouraged each other.

I was her biggest fan.

And now my friend was turning her back on me with no explanation.

Anger boiled inside of me and I was filled with hurt.

“After everything I’ve done for you, everything my parents have done for you! You just don’t want to be my friend anymore?”

My hands were shaking and forming into fists, my fingernails slicing into my palms.

I walked closer to her, begging her with my eyes to reconsider. To take back what she had said.

“I don’t want to talk to you.” She barked,  looking away.

My heart broke.

I gathered my glove and water bottle and walked quickly to my car, the realization that this had just occurred in front of my whole team bringing me to tears.

My car provided a quiet bubble where I could gather my thoughts.

I don’t want to be your friend anymore.

Her words replaying over and over in my mind.


Close to 6 years later and I still hear her words.

Even though we’ve attempted to mend the friendship that day weighs heavily on my heart.

And the question of why remains unanswered.


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Reality of Growing up

When I was in high school I took a careers test.

It consisted of several questions in order to gain an understanding of who I was, where my interests lie, and what career path I might follow.

In high school I had no idea.

It told me I would be a janitor.

This news didn’t shake me up, it didn’t weigh heavily on my shoulders, and I didn’t feel promised to that job.

I expected I would graduate, go to college, find a job, work.

I would fall in love, get married, buy a house, have babies, and live happily ever after.

That was the natural order that was promoted by our guidance counsellors and our families.

There weren’t classes on reality.

Discussions regarding the astronomical cost of schooling, housing, food, and books for college.

The enormous stress we might feel as students in a new city.

The drop out rate.

How many jobs we would have to work at once in order to barely get by.

Late nights, stupid decisions, broken hearts, lost friendships, mistakes.

Babies before marriage.

The bills.

The bills.

Our relationships and the importance of communication.


Had I attended these classes it might have made me more aware and prepared me, but life would have still continued.

That is the natural order.


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Not Just a Toy Box

When I unwrapped the clear plastic from around the baskets boxed canvas edges I already knew what I would do with it.

My friends and family knew my obsession well.  This was apparent from the sea of baskets stretched out before me as I opened gift after gift at my baby shower.

But this one, this big, bold, durable cube filled with baby toys, a walker, and tiny clothes was just what I had been looking for. I envisioned stuffed animals pouring over its edges, its ruby fabric the perfect contrast to our expected arrivals bedding, already in place.


Against our newly painted grey living room, carefully chosen furniture, and purple accessories its garnet material isn‘t easy to hide. Having left its home in the nursery months ago, dragged out to join the family and becoming a permanent fixture.

Stuffed animals are now replaced by stacking cups and linking rings, Little People and board books.

Rarely are these toys inside.

It has now become a little girls play yard.

The sturdy sides providing shelter from the rough waves as she fights off sea monsters and makes friends with mermaids.

On its side it’s a secret hide out where she can plan take downs on the cat and eat floor dirt.

It becomes the quickest car in the race when Daddy pushes, painted crimson with a number 1 on the side.

This basket empty brings more giggles than it does full.

With toys all over the floor, baby tucked deep inside its canvas sides, squeals echo throughout the house.

The perfect baby gift.

The gift of imagination.


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